City to fund séances to let slain witnesses testify

in Politics

The City of Chattanooga announced plans to fund séances so that trial witnesses who have been slain out of retaliation before court dates will still be able to testify.

“We obviously can’t guarantee your safety if you make the extremely brave and noble decision to testify against those accused of violent and gang-related crimes,” said Morgan Dunnlop, a city representative. “But if necessary, we can get your testimony from the hereafter, through a séance.”

The fund will pay for high-quality Ouija boards, candles and qualified gypsies, who are licensed and bonded.

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