After the Tennessee General Assembly passed a bill to defund the University of Tennessee’s Office for Diversity and Inclusion, it announced that in its place, it would establish an “Office of Conformity.”
“One of the most important developments of industrial manufacturing is interchangeable parts, which made mass production possible,” said Adam Whitener, the new director of the Office of Conformity. “If we humans were to become more like interchangeable parts, then the world would become a lot more efficient, and efficiency is always a good thing, right?”
“You are not a special snowflake,” said Whitener. “That’s our slogan, actually.”
“We encourage conformity among students and citizens to make things easier, from speaking the same language to wearing the same clothes,” said Whitener. “People are overwhelmed with choices nowadays, anyway. Just look at the toothpaste aisle at a store. We don’t need 65 different types of toothpaste.”
“We are all Tennesseans. We are all Vols. Orange lives matter,” said Whitener.
The bill also affects the UT Pride Center, which may have to consider making some changes to its operation and also its name.
“Pride is one of the seven deadly sins,” said Whitener. “If we have a Pride Center, then what’s next, a Gluttony Center?”
Another result of the bill is that UTK’s event Sex Week, funded using student fees and private contributions, may have to change its name to “Matrimonial Intercourse in the Missionary Position Week.”
“Let’s just keep it simple: one ding-a-ling, one hoo-ha, and one position,” said Whitener.