March 2016

“Best Cave” contest nominees include Ruby Falls, your mother

Nominees for a national contest, held by USA Today‘s “10 Best” site, to name the “Best Cave” in the U.S. include local attractions Ruby Falls and your mother. “Every year, thousands of visitors come inside these vast, timeworn depths, that are always a little cool, damp and some would say even a bit spooky,” said

Super Soaker 50 named Chattanooga’s official water gun


After Tennessee officials announced plans for a .50 caliber rifle as the state’s official rifle, Chattanooga officials have named the Super SoakerĀ 50 as the city’s official water gun. Experts believe the Super Soaker is a neutral weapon, which does not expose the penis size of those calling for a state gun. “Behold, the River City

Superintendent Rick Smith to provide clear, prompt communication about vacation plans


Hamilton County Schools Superintendent Rick Smith announced today at a press conference that he would provide clear, prompt communication to the school board about his vacation plans. “It is my solemn duty to keep the school board and the public informed about how I spend my vacation,” said Smith, who would be on leave before

Turmoil-ridden Ooltewah High changes name to Oolte-WTF

After several months of turmoil, Ooltewah High School announced that it would change its name to “Oolte-WTF High School.” “Sweet Jesus, this has been a wild ride,” said principal Tracy Cayrns while walking amid chaos that resembled a scene from the film Red Dawn. “We’re just going to be honest with everyone and change our

Confused Gov. Haslam blocks band Foreigner from state


Several months after Governor Bill Haslam asked the federal government to stop sending Syrian refugees to Tennessee, he took measures today to block the rock band Foreigner from entering the state, before the group was scheduled to play Chattanooga’s Tivoli Theater. “It’s a matter of security to be careful regarding who we take into our