Harrison Keely leaving Chattanooga to become Las Vegas Showgirl

in Business/Culture

It’s a sad day for Chattanooga and quite possibly the country as Times Free Press internet spokesmen Harrison Keely has announced he is leaving the publication and city to become a Las Vegas morning Showgirl that you need to know for today.

Keely, who became synonymous of being the first damn thing you see when logging onto Facebook in the morning and believing Las Vegas is a west coast city, made headlines in recent years by being voted the sexiest Chattanoogan on the internet, sole TFP survivor after a massive house clearing, a victim of leaked topless photos, and a failed attempt as a new Subway spokesmen. Other things have happened as well (do a search).

As a new Las Vegas showgirl, Keely plans to incorporate his charming voice, personality, and soul patch into his act. The former Lee College graduate with a major in fancy singing/dancing, has always believed the life for him was on the Vegas strip.

“Ever since my Lee roommates and I downed about 2 to 3 Mountain Dews, stayed up past 8:30, and caught a showing of “Showgirls” on TNT, I knew Showgirl life was the life for me.” explained Keely.

A replacement for the Times Free Press morning anchor has not been announced at this time. Possible candidates include Basil Marceaux dot com and Stratton Tingle’s dreadlocks. 

On behalf of the Chattanooga Bystander, we wish Harrison Keely good luck and thanks for taking all our shit.