Will This Turd Float? contest awards poop-related innovation

in Business

willthisturdfloatChattanooga’s best and brightest entrepreneurs will face off tomorrow at the “Will This Turd Float?” event, a contest which will award the most promising and innovative poop-related business ideas.

Presented by the local startup incubator CO.LON, Will This Turd Float? spotlights the most forward-thinking fecal pioneers in the city, serving as a sort of laxative to swiftly force out ideas to fruition, like a serving of bad salmon causing some ass-spraying mayhem.

“Everybody poops,” sang CO.LON representative Mason Halloweski, to the tune of R.E.M.’s song “Everybody Hurts,” at a press conference earlier today. “Some…times.”

“You can’t avoid it,” said Halloweski. “Pooping is just a fact of life, so why not try to improve the experience?”

Here are the business proposals that will be presented tomorrow, with each team having three minutes to make a pitch to the panel of judges, comprised of local business leaders and proctologists.

* Poober: need to pinch a loaf, but there’s no public restroom in sight? Don’t fret – the mobile app Poober allows you to summon a portable toilet – a Port-O-John on a pickup truck – to your specific location, for a reasonable price.

* Papa’s Got a Brand New Colostomy Bag: this online store makes the selection and purchase of customized colostomy bags, available in a wide variety of festive colors and designs, as easy as clicking a button.

* Get Off The Pot: this mobile phone app lets you reserve a time slot in restrooms in Chattanooga’s most popular restaurants, assuring that you’ll get your turn when you need to drop a serious deuce. Air quality sensors located in the bathrooms provide warnings through the app, in case someone just unloaded a pungent, monster dump.

* PoopShoot: it’s common practice to take photographs of your meals, so why not take it to the next level? The PoopShoot app, which is compatible with all major social media sites, is the easiest way to share with friends and family photos of your meals in their final states. To borrow the slogan of the Chattanooga Bystander, “Too much information is not enough.”

* Wyped Out: it’s one of the most frustrating things for blind and vision-impaired people – when do you know when you are done wiping? The Wyped Out system uses sophisticated hi-res cameras and sensor technology to alert you when your ass is sufficiently clean. No more pesky dingleberries!

* InstaCrap: there’s nothing quite as satisfying as a good dump. In this day and age, with coddled youths winning trophies for just showing up, why not commemorate a gratifying load by creating a souvenir? InstaCrap uses the latest scanning and 3D printing technology to create a plastic half-scale replica of your butt dumplings in less than 15 minutes.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children’s children, and for our children’s children’s grandparents – which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible “Mmmrph! Mmmrph!” sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling – and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.