Local dollar theater plans upgrade to offer luxury while watching Hollywood tripe

in Business/Culture

Left used under fair use. Right used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7eh4pY.
Left used under fair use. Right used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7eh4pY.
The local Regal Cinemas movie theater at Hamilton Place announced that it would upgrade from being a second-run bargain theater to a first-run luxury theater, offering an exquisite experience for viewing Hollywood tripe.

“After the upgrades, you will experience a state-of-the-art projection system to watch mindless drivel like ‘Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2,'” said representative Bobby Lemirre. “Every drop of sweat on Paul Blart’s corpulent body will be crystal clear.”

“You will lose yourself in luxury, when you sit back in one of our ultra-comfy reclining seats, and you might even forget that you’re viewing one of those unwatchable CGI-shitstorms that are the ‘Transformers’ movies,” said Lemirre.

“Enjoy the new gourmet food and drink options,” said Lemirre. “And try to keep it all down when watching an ipecac substitute like a new M. Night Shyamalan movie.”

“Since the end of the ‘Last Golden Age’ in the ’70s, Hollywood has become devoted to appealing to the lowest common denominator,” said Lemirre. “It offers an endless parade of sequels, franchises and remakes, favoring stars, T&A and gratuitous violence over true creativity, but audiences will come out in droves anyway. So why not enjoy a glass of Chardonnay while you watch?”

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.