Monthly archive

August 2015

Burqa-wearing Sheriff Hammond to go undercover at local mosques

in Politics

After Hamilton County Sheriff Jim Hammond discussed plans to monitor state-wide Muslim activity earlier today at a Hamilton County Pachyderm Club meeting, he vowed to wear a burqa and go undercover himself at local mosques to search for any potential Islamic extremists. Hammond called Islam “communism with a god” and…

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Local broads celebrate Women’s Equality Day

in Politics
Broads (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/patEuA)

Skirts across the city of Chattanooga celebrated the annual holiday Women’s Equality Day today, which commemorates the 95th anniversary of the certification of the 19th Amendment, guaranteeing broads the right to vote. “Major victories have been won in the war against sexism in the last century,” said local dollface Abigail…

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Local dollar theater plans upgrade to offer luxury while watching Hollywood tripe

in Business/Culture
Left used under fair use for commentary. Right used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/7eh4pY.

The local Regal Cinemas movie theater at Hamilton Place announced that it would upgrade from being a second-run bargain theater to a first-run luxury theater, offering an exquisite experience for viewing Hollywood tripe. “After the upgrades, you will experience a state-of-the-art projection system to watch mindless drivel like ‘Paul Blart:…

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Sen. Ted Cruz gets “sick tats” at Standard Ink

in Politics
Sen. Ted Cruz (by Gage Skidmore, used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license.)

After U.S. Sen. and Republican Presidential candidate Ted Cruz gave a speech at GraceWorks Church in Chattanooga yesterday morning, he revealed that the primary reason for his visit was actually to get some “sick tats” at Standard Ink Tattoo Company on Frazier Ave. Cruz was fulfilling a suggestion he made…

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Downtown YMCA Youth Soccer team to face winner of U.S. vs Costa Rica

in Culture/Sports/Rec

A representative of the sport of Soccer announced that the local downtown YMCA Youth Co-ed Soccer team will face the winner of this month’s match between the US Women’s National Soccer and Costa Rica at Finley Stadium. The downtown YMCA co-ed soccer team is made up from 5-6-year-old boys and…

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