Utilities ask co-workers, strangers to cuddle during Arctic Blast to save energy

in Business
Cuddling (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/qidrut)
Cuddling (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/qidrut)

With temperatures in the Chattanooga area dropping below 20 degrees this week, local utilities have asked customers to curb power usage through a variety of methods, including cuddling with family, friends, co-workers and strangers whenever possible to conserve heat.

The “Arctic Blast” will result in a high demand for power on Thursday, and utilities have recommended that customers turn down their thermostats in residences and businesses and snuggle with all willing people and animals in the vicinity to stay warm.

“Whether it’s with your co-workers in a meeting, or with strangers in line at the post office, cuddling is an effective way to beat the freezing temperatures and stay cozy,” said EPB spokesperson Jo Herbstzeit.

Herbstzeit stressed that all cuddling should be completely consensual, and she mentioned that customers can pick up “Free Hugs” signs at the downtown EPB office today, at no cost.

“Cuddling can be a great team-building exercise at work,” said Herbstzeit. “And it’s a great way to make new friends. How wonderful would it be to go to your local department of motor vehicles and see what looks like a scene from the movie Caligula but with an all-Eskimo cast?”

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.