The local broadsheet newspaper Chattanooga Times Free Press announced at a press conference yesterday afternoon that it has invested $2 mil to purchase new, bigger fonts.
“With our previous font sizes, we were unable to properly express how sensational our news articles were,” said Times Free Press managing editor Jordan Krampton. “Now, people are going to literally shit themselves when they see those big, bold headlines every morning, just leaping off the page.”
“I just wish we had these font sizes last week when we published the article ‘East TN sex offender charged in rape of dog,'” said Krampton. “This is just one of the hard-news stories of universal relevance and great importance that deserve a ginormous font size.”
Among the first articles that utilize the newspaper’s new huge fonts will be “RAPEFUL WEEK OF RAPEY RAPE,” “MURDER, BLOOD, GUTS, DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP,” and “PROSTITUTES! PROSTITUTES! PROSTITUTES!”
“We have a saying in journalism: ‘If it bleeds, it leads,'” said Krampton.