November 2014

Eager shoppers camp out for next year’s Black Friday

Dispatches today from the Hamilton Place Mall, Best Buy and various local retailers have revealed that dozens of dedicated shoppers have begun camping out to reserve prime spots in lines in advance of next year’s Black Friday sales. Although this year’s Black Friday has yet to happen, certain eager shoppers are already preparing for Black

Times Free Press spends $2 mil on bigger fonts

The local broadsheet newspaper Chattanooga Times Free Press announced at a press conference yesterday afternoon that it has invested $2 mil to purchase new, bigger fonts. “With our previous font sizes, we were unable to properly express how sensational our news articles were,” said Times Free Press managing editor Jordan Krampton. “Now, people are going

Rossville to ban abortion, may also ban miscarriages and “pulling out”


After the city council of Rossville, GA unanimously gave preliminary approval earlier this week to an ordinance that bans abortion, it announced that it is considering expanding the language to ban any obstructions to the reproductive process, such as miscarriages and the “pulling out” method of birth control. Although law experts have deemed the ordinance

Potato-sharing service “Tuber” launches in Chattanooga


The rapidly growing potato-sharing service “Tuber,” founded in San Francisco and currently available in dozens of cities around the world, launched today in Chattanooga, promising residents on-demand potato delivery through the use of a special smartphone app. “We already have gigabit Internet service, so it was just a matter of time before we caught up

Election wrap-up: Republicans, bingo-playing winos pleased by election results

* Republicans, bingo-playing winos pleased by election results * Gov. Haslam pulls football away at last second as Democratic opponent tries to kick it * Coat-hanger industry stocks soar upon news of Amendment 1 passing * Vietnam veterans can now legally recreate the Russian Roulette scene from “The Deer Hunter” for charity under Amendment 4