This election cycle, Tennessee voters will vote on Amendment 1.5 to the state Constitution, which could prevent men from removing bowling balls that have been lodged in their rectums for a 9-month period.
The proposed amendment would read:
“Nothing in this Constitution secures or protects a right for a man to remove a bowling ball from his rectum before a 9-month period has elapsed or requires the funding of such removal. The people retain the right through their elected state representatives and state senators to enact, amend, or repeal statutes regarding bowling-ball-from-rectum removal, including, but not limited to, circumstances resulting from voluntary or involuntary activities, such as severe bouncy bowling mishaps or fraternity hazing rituals.”
Public opinion has varied wildly on Amendment 1.5, sparking fiery debates and significant campaigning on both sides of the issue.
“If a man didn’t want a bowling ball in his rectum, well, he should have kept his legs shut,” said Chattanooga resident Eulas Kampfield. “I’m voting ‘Yes’ on Amendment 1.5.”
“No matter how careful you are when you’re bowling, statistically, some men are going to end up with bowling balls up their rectums,” said resident Jonas Clyftul. “And, you can’t expect bowling abstinence programs to work. It’s just human nature to want to bowl.”
“I am 18 years old and just starting college,” said UTC student Devon Tillsenn. “I am just not ready to have a bowling ball in my rectum for nine months. Maybe some day, but not now. I don’t think the government should have their hands in my rectum.”
Other constituents were confused about Amendment 1.5 and its implications.
“Amendment 1.5? I don’t know. Does this have to do with that woman who was trying to raise $800 to pay for a roadside bomb to be put in her uterus?” said resident Pat Cullems.