City considers light rail system for people too stuck-up to ride the bus

in Politics
Light rail (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/Bs3Sq)
Light rail (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/Bs3Sq)

The City of Chattanooga is considering implementing a light rail system between the downtown area, the airport and Enterprise South for people who are too stuck-up to ride the bus.

“Entitled, snobbish do-gooders love public transportation,” said Transportation Director Martha Hearrin. “Well, except for buses.”

“You see, people generally think trains are romantic,” said Hearrin. “They think they’ll meet some cute French girl or hunky dude on the train, bond over some philosophical bullshit discussion and then fall in love, like in the movie Before Sunrise.”

“But when people think of buses, they think about that guy who went nuts and decapitated and cannibalized a fellow passenger on a Greyhound bus in Canada, a few years ago,” said Hearrin. “Also, people think others will assume they’re poor, if they ride the bus.”

“I think a light rail system is a great idea,” said resident Patrick Hardcastle. “I used to ride the bus, because I wanted to ‘accidentally’ meet that hot chick whose photo is on the CARTA website homepage, but I have never actually seen her on a bus. I just hope one day I’ll meet her on a train.”

CARTA website
CARTA website

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.