Old Man Winter to crap all over Chattanooga one more time

in Health
(Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/8WQfjG)
(Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/8WQfjG)

At a press conference this afternoon, Old Man Winter announced that he was going to take a massive dump all over Chattanooga one last time this season, with weather forecasters predicting the area to reach freezing temperatures tonight after days of enjoyably warm and sunny weather.

“I mean that in a figurative sense,” said Winter. “In reality, when I poop, it comes out like icicles and slush. I’m just going to make things really frickin’ cold and windy tonight, because I can.”

“For f-ck’s sake, is it summer or is it winter?” said local resident Marshall Dulles. “I just packed away all my winter clothing into storage. Seriously, what the hell?”

“It’s mid-April, and my garden is totally going to be screwed,” said resident Monica Herndohn. “I just spent all weekend on it, too. I don’t want to even think about cold weather anymore, and if my daughter sings ‘Let It Go’ one more time I might lose my mind.”

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.