At a press conference this afternoon, Old Man Winter announced that he was going to take a massive dump all over Chattanooga one last time this season, with weather forecasters predicting the area to reach freezing temperatures tonight after days of enjoyably warm and sunny weather.
“I mean that in a figurative sense,” said Winter. “In reality, when I poop, it comes out like icicles and slush. I’m just going to make things really frickin’ cold and windy tonight, because I can.”
“For f-ck’s sake, is it summer or is it winter?” said local resident Marshall Dulles. “I just packed away all my winter clothing into storage. Seriously, what the hell?”
“It’s mid-April, and my garden is totally going to be screwed,” said resident Monica Herndohn. “I just spent all weekend on it, too. I don’t want to even think about cold weather anymore, and if my daughter sings ‘Let It Go’ one more time I might lose my mind.”