Times Free Press buys Chattanooga Bystander for $19 mil

in Business
The Chattanooga Bystander, presented by the Times Free Press
The Chattanooga Bystander, presented by the Times Free Press

The daily broadsheet newspaper Chattanooga Times Free Press announced that it is purchasing the 1-year-old online news website The Chattanooga Bystander for $19 million dollars.

“We want to heartily welcome The Chattanooga Bystander, being an award-winning publication known for its accurate reporting and respectful journalism,” said Times Free Press managing editor Jordan Krampton. “They deliver all the facts, and then some, with 110% of the truth.”

The $19 mil. figure includes $200 to be paid in cash, with the remaining funds to be rendered in Lake Winnie skee-ball prize tickets.

One of the stipulations of the deal was that Harrison Keely could no longer be the subject of any upcoming articles by The Chattanooga Bystander.

“That was condition #1: lay off Harrison,” said Krampton. “It was too much for him last year, and he was driven to shave off his soul patch.”

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.