Mila Kunis pregnant by Rock City gnome

in Culture
Mila Kunis (l) (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/czJAyS) Winkle McTwinklebuttergingersnap (r) (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/9GEr68)
Mila Kunis (l) (Modified under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/czJAyS) Winkle McTwinklebuttergingersnap (r) (Modified under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/9GEr68)

After the engaged celebrities Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher announced today that they were expecting their first child, Kunis made the shocking revelation that the father wasn’t Kutcher but instead was a gnome named Winkle McTwinklebuttergingersnap whom Kunis met while visiting Rock City last December.

Kunis apologized for her infidelity, and Kutcher has committed to being a loyal husband and raising the child as if it were his own.

“It all happened so suddenly,” said Kunis. “While Ashton was signing autographs for people in the Goblin’s Underpass, I went on ahead to Fairyland Caverns.”

“I just have this weakness for tiny, bearded, pipe-smoking, pointy-red-hat-wearing men,” said Kunis. “And I’ll be honest with you. Filming Black Swan really kind of screwed me up, and I haven’t been the same since.”

McTwinklebuttergingersnap could not be reached for comment.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.