Signal Mountain awarded “Best Place in Tenn.” by residents of Signal Mountain

in Culture
Signal Mountain (Used under the CC-BY-ND-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/8TJ4eV)
Signal Mountain (Used under the CC-BY-ND-2.0 license. Source: flic.kr/p/8TJ4eV)

Earlier this week, the residents of the town Signal Mountain, located on Walden Ridge, awarded themselves the honor of “Best Place in Tennessee” after obtaining the results of a poll, in which only Signal Mountain inhabitants voted.

“We’re number one! We’re number one!” said the crowd of residents in a chant at the ceremony.

“Other towns and cities in Tennessee can go bite a dick,” said Signal Mountain town crier Leopold Windsor. “Our low crime and unemployment rates, well-educated populace and beautiful scenery make us the most ultra mega super-awesomest town in the state, and possibly the whole nation, planet and universe.”

“Just look at our new state-of-the-art Middle/High School,” said Windsor. “Our panoramic views. Our homogeneous demographics. We’ve got a house that looks like a freakin’ UFO too, so everybody else should just stop trying, ’cause we’re the best. We did it.”

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children’s children, and for our children’s children’s grandparents – which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible “Mmmrph! Mmmrph!” sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling – and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.