Cleveland State Lady Cougars change name to Lady MILFs

in Sports/Rec
Cleveland State Lady MILFs
Cleveland State Lady MILFs

At a press conference yesterday afternoon at Cleveland State Community College, it was announced that the women’s basketball team had changed its name from Lady Cougars to Lady MILFs, soon after the opening of its 2013-2014 season.

“The name ‘Lady Cougars’ didn’t bring to mind the image we wanted,” said women’s basketball coach Pam Wassermann. “When you think of a female cougar, you think of a withered middle-aged lady wearing too much make-up and an animal print top, smelling of the stench of desperation and a cheap Chanel No. 5 knock-off you’d find in a truck stop bathroom, haunting the line-dancing floor at the Electric Cowboy.”

“We wanted to convey a woman who was a little younger, yet just as feisty,” said Wassermann.

“Now a MILF, that’s different,” said Wassermann. “A MILF is a strong, active, fertile creature, ready to pick up junior from daycare after a busy day of hot yoga, shopping at the farmer’s market and selling homemade jewelry online on Etsy.”

Wassermann clarified that it was not required for a team member to have given birth or to be sexually attractive.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.