In a press conference this morning with Hamilton County Schools superintendent Rick Smith, it was announced that Chattanooga area schools would employ a capital punishment policy if forced to give up corporal punishment.
The announcement comes after a recent nationwide debate on whether or not school officials should still be able to issue corporal punishment to rowdy and unruly students. It was uncovered that Chattanooga area schools were using corporal punishment techniques such as bare-assed cat o’ nine tail whips and atomic wedgies.
“We must provide swift punishment to these shithead students who break the rules during school hours with their MTV twerking and facetagramming tweets,” explained Hamilton county superintendent Smith. “I believe students will think twice if faced with a trip to the gas chamber or an electric chair.”
Some parents of local students are all for the new capital punishment techniques. Many believe the old system of corporal punishment just wasn’t enough.
“My son Jeremy started looking forward to being called a slut and slapped around by his principal in front of the whole school,” said Hixson High School parent Sherry Miller. “I can only pray that the threat of standing before a firing squad will make him think twice before sagging his Levi’s”