Councilman Chris Anderson reveals he is straight on National Coming Out Day

in Politics
District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson
District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson surprised his constituency by announcing on National Coming Out Day that he was actually heterosexual.

“Fooled ya,” said Anderson, with a smile and a wink to the crowd of reporters and citizens. “You could say I pulled the wool over your eyes. The wool vest, to be specific.”

“My opponent in the election back in March, Manny Rico, claimed that I ran on the platform of being gay,” said Anderson. “I vehemently denied it at the time, but actually, he was right. My little ruse has been years in the planning, and what can I say, it paid off.”

“There are negative stereotypes, and then there are positive stereotypes,” said Anderson. “For example, there are the stereotypes that Jews have good financial sense and that Asians are good at math and science.”

“I totally took advantage of the positive stereotypes attributed to gay people – that homosexuals are smarter, more creative, artistic and sophisticated than average people,” said Anderson. “And I rode that stereotype to victory.”

“Here is my real partner, Staci,” said Anderson, standing beside his tall, platinum blond girlfriend. “She’s a massage therapist by day and a bartender at the Electric Cowboy by night.”

“I’m just a poon-loving breeder, like most of y’all,” said Anderson.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children’s children, and for our children’s children’s grandparents – which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible “Mmmrph! Mmmrph!” sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling – and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.