Fired police Emmer and Cooley to star in wacky sitcom as crime-fighting duo

in Culture/Politics
Former Chattanooga police Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley
Former Chattanooga police Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley

After an incident caught on video in June 2012 involving halfway house inmate Adam Tatum, which left him with two broken legs, Chattanooga Police Officers Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley were terminated from their positions for using force that was deemed excessive.

However, administrative law Judge Kim Summers ruled that Emmer and Cooley should be reinstated as officers, saying that they were following Chattanooga Police policy and behaving according to their training, to apprehend a violent criminal on cocaine.

Mayor Andy Berke, all City Council members and police Chief Bobby Dodd opposed the ruling, but new developments have emerged which give the pair of former policemen options for their future.

This past Monday, news was released that Emmer and Cooley were offered jobs at the Guantánamo Bay detention camp, where their “dedicated, unrelenting vigor” would be useful when interrogating international prisoners, outside U.S. legal jurisdiction, but the federal government shutdown put the job offerings on hold.

This proved to be a minor setback, since at a press conference yesterday afternoon, it was announced that Emmer and Cooley would star as themselves as a crime-fighting duo in a scripted sitcom pilot episode for the Spike cable network.

“Fun for the whole family, the new show Emmer and Cooley: Cuffs and Hollers presents the hilarious antics of the two cops as fish out of water: two good ol’ Southern boys on the mean streets of New York City,” said Spike representative, Martin Willstom.

“Cooley will star as a fictionalized adaptation of himself, playing the chatty, wisecracking Adam ‘The Cooler’ Cooley,” said Willstom. “He’s a former bouncer with a Master’s degree in literature who quotes from classic novels and poetry at unexpected times, for comedic effect.”

“Emmer stars as Sean ‘The Freezer’ Emmer, a former Tennessee Titans linebacker, known for his hulking figure and droll, chilly demeanor,” said Willstom. “When he’s fed up with his partner’s hijinks, he says ‘Cool it, Cooley!’ which is a catchphrase that you will never get tired of hearing.”

The pilot episode, which has yet to be filmed, features a story where Emmer and Cooley bust an international jewel-smuggling ring, which culminates in a side-splitting scene where the two employ their catfish noodling skills to retrieve stolen diamonds swallowed by large exotic fish in a millionaire playboy’s giant aquarium.

“Emmer and Cooley will use their ‘Good Cop, Bad Cop’ routine to gain valuable information from suspects,” said Willstom. “However, it’s not entirely clear if they’re good cops, strictly following police procedures and training guidance, or bad cops, using excessive force with bloodcurdling brutality.”

Emmer and Cooley: Cuffs and Hollers is a laugh-out-loud, wacky comedy that’ll tickle your funny bone, right before it breaks it,” said Willstom.

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.