October 2013

Rep. Scott DesJarlais is Uncle Fester for Halloween


Rep. Scott DesJarlais, who represents Tennessee’s 4th congressional district, was praised by his constituents on Halloween for his convincing portrayal of the character Uncle Fester from the mid-’60s television show The Addams Family. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” said DesJarlais, who seemed to be annoyed by the many people who were pointing at

BREAKING: Deceased prostitute discovered in trunk during Rossville area “Trunk or Treat” event


According to witnesses, a deceased prostitute was discovered during a local “Trunk or Treat” event at an unnamed Rossville area church. Bystanders reported the prostitute was discovered under a KFC bucket of candy in the trunk of an unmanned vehicle during the event. “One minute you’re dressing your kid up as their favorite Duck Dynasty

Hamilton County Schools may turn to capital punishment if corporal punishment is dropped.

In a press conference this morning with Hamilton County Schools superintendent Rick Smith, it was announced that Chattanooga area schools would employ a capital punishment policy if forced to give up corporal punishment. The announcement comes after a recent nationwide debate on whether or not school officials should still be able to issue corporal punishment

Local Gen Y-ers stop complaining for two hours during Neutral Milk Hotel concert


In an unprecedented occurrence yesterday at the concert venue Track 29, it was reported that all local members of Generation Y – people currently in their teens through the age of 30 – had collectively stopped complaining for two hours, during the performance by the indie-rock band Neutral Milk Hotel. This evening was enjoyed by

Samuel L. Jackson addresses motherf-cking snake problem at Brainerd High School

One week ago, it was reported that Brainerd High School experienced sightings of snakes, after a replacement of the facility’s heating and air conditioning system had spurred rodents to enter the school to search for food, followed by snakes who hunted for rodents. One former Chattanooga resident has been unhappy and vocal about the situation,

BREAKING: Hits 96 to become all Polka music station.

Chattanooga’s hit music station: Hits 96 announced their channel would soon become the area’s first all Polka music station. The format change comes after Bahakel Communication owners decided to expand into new musical territory. Station mangers plan to kick off the new format by giving away tickets to see multi Grammy winning Polka legend Jimmy

Delta Queen Riverboat to be relocated atop Walnut Street walking bridge


After the announcement of Chattanooga’s own Walnut Street walking bridge as one of the top public places in America, a representative from the shunned neighboring Delta Queen Riverboat announced plans to relocate the boat atop the popular tourist attraction. The Delta Queen has made news in recent months by being a target of Chattanooga Mayor

Councilman Chris Anderson reveals he is straight on National Coming Out Day

At a press conference yesterday afternoon, District 7 City Councilman Chris Anderson surprised his constituency by announcing on National Coming Out Day that he was actually heterosexual. “Fooled ya,” said Anderson, with a smile and a wink to the crowd of reporters and citizens. “You could say I pulled the wool over your eyes. The

New climbing wall complex to be crawling ramp complex instead

At a press conference yesterday held by the River City Co., it was announced that the former Bijou theater downtown, originally slated to become one of the largest American climbing wall complexes, will now be home to the largest crawling ramp complex in the United States. “It was a tough decision,” said Gretchen Staplemont, the

Fired police Emmer and Cooley to star in wacky sitcom as crime-fighting duo


After an incident caught on video in June 2012 involving halfway house inmate Adam Tatum, which left him with two broken legs, Chattanooga Police Officers Sean Emmer and Adam Cooley were terminated from their positions for using force that was deemed excessive. However, administrative law Judge Kim Summers ruled that Emmer and Cooley should be