The Ridgedale Church of Christ in Chattanooga made national news this week after its leaders asked the relatives of openly gay detective Kat Cooper to either repent and seek forgiveness for accepting Cooper’s homosexuality or to leave the church.
Cooper’s family decided to leave the church, but the leadership and congregation of the Ridgedale Church of Christ has since recanted its ultimatum and accepted the family back into the church after a group screening of the erotic softcore direct-to-video 1992 movie The Sapphic Sorority Sisters of Lesbos.
“We had this whole lesbian thing all wrong,” said congregation member Otto Eisenbiel. “This movie opened our eyes to smokin’ hot girl-on-girl action and carpet munching. It’s only right and natural.”
Far-right religious conservatives have often been critical towards gays, with figures such as the Rev. Jerry Falwell even declaring in 1997 that “this homosexual steamroller will literally crush all decent men, women and children.”
“In the book of Matthew, Jesus says the two greatest commandments are ‘Love the Lord with all your heart, soul and mind,’ and ‘Love your neighbor as yourself,'” Eisenbiel said. “We accept the Cooper family back into the fold, and we love all lesbians, from the most coy lipstick lesbian to the most militant, buzzcut-wearing bulldyke.”