Hamilton County schools update sex ed with masturbation curriculum

in Education/Health
Sex education (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9bdKPW)
Sex education (Used under the CC-BY-SA-2.0 license. Source: http://flic.kr/p/9bdKPW)

For decades, sex education has been entrenched in public schools for adolescent students, addressing topics including teenage pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and birth control, and with a new initiative, the subject of efficient masturbation will also be taught as part of the curriculum in Hamilton County schools.

The program, entitled “Get Off and Get On with Your Life,” teaches male and female students how to perform swift, efficient and satisfying self-gratification, so that the students have more free time for other activities.

“Studies have shown that, on average, teenagers spend 41% of their spare time masturbating,” said Hamilton County Schools Director of Health Dr. Muffy Hardin to The Chattanooga Bystander. “These studies have also shown that most teenagers are doing it in a grossly inefficient manner. This is time that could be spent playing sports, studying or socializing.”

“There are also environmental benefits to this initiative,” said Hardin. “Millions of gallons of water are wasted every year by teenagers who either take unnecessarily long showers or turn on the faucet in order to drown out the sounds of masturbation.”

Masturbation has long been a highly controversial topic in public discourse. Former Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders drew criticism in 1994 and was fired for suggesting that masturbation be promoted, saying, “I think that it is part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught,” and the Chattanooga Times Free Press refused to publish a column last month written by former editor Drew Johnson which described the benefits of online pornography, including reduced occurrences of rape and sexual assault and lower rates of divorce and teenage pregnancy.

“While most parents have the ‘birds and the bees’ talk with their children at some point, almost all are understandably reluctant to discuss the topic of masturbation,” said Hardin.

Dr. Hardin received her medical degree from Johns Hopkins University and was a researcher at the Kinsey Institute for six years, and under the stage name “Sindee McPooncooter,” Hardin has starred in adult films including The League of Extraordinarily Large Gentlemen, Tricks Up the Wizard’s Sleeve 34 and The Curious Case of Benjamin Butthole.

“The curriculum will be the first of its kind in a public-school setting in the United States, and the coursework is extensive,” said Hardin. “Girls will be taught the benefits of using the proper equipment, such as a Hitachi Magic Wand, Vibrating Egg or Magic Bullet. I hope no girl in this country will ever use a hairbrush handle instead of a proper simulacrum.”

“Boys will be taught proper grip technique,” said Hardin. “We will teach why the ‘death grip’ should be avoided, unless the student wants a nickname such as ‘Captain Hook’ in later life.”

“Teenagers also waste valuable hours scouring the web for pictures and videos, when perfectly serviceable material is often right at hand,” said Hardin. “Our curriculum will demonstrate that your mother’s Lane Bryant catalog on the coffee table will do in a pinch.”

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children’s children, and for our children’s children’s grandparents – which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible “Mmmrph! Mmmrph!” sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling – and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.