TFP fires entire staff except Harrison Keely

in Business
Harrison Keely
Harrison Keely

In a written statement, the management of the Chattanooga Times Free Press announced that after carefully reviewing its numerous policies, it has terminated the employment of its entire staff with the exception of Harrison Keely, who is left to carry the workload of his departed co-workers.

The firing of Free Press editor Drew Johnson over the modification of a headline for an editorial about President Barack Obama’s employment plan led the paper’s management to scour the 1,692 pages of its policies, including its ethics policy, and it managed to find every single writer, editor, contributor and supporting staff member in violation of at least one policy, except for Harrison Keely.

“We were troubled to learn that Arts and Entertainment writer Casey Phillips received a free promotional CD from a musical group about which he wrote, yet, although it has been four weeks, he has still not donated that CD to charity,” said the statement. “We gave him the boot. Mighty Casey has struck out.”

“It came to our attention that reporter Joan Garrett accepted a piece of chewing gum from a local organization while covering a story, without providing the proper monetary reimbursement,” said the statement. “That is nothing short of bribery and a flagrant violation of our ethics policy.”

“Now Harrison Keely,” said the statement. “We couldn’t find any dirt on Harrison. We questioned his soul patch, but there’s nothing in the rulebook that says that soul patches aren’t allowed. He is as pure as the driven snow and just the sweetest little angel.”

Keely will continue to handle social media for the Times Free Press and create the daily “Top 5 things to know in the Chattanooga area today” videos, and in addition to those duties, he will perform all reporting, writing, editing and content creation for the paper, including taking over Clay Bennett’s role as political cartoonist.

Incomprehensible political cartoon
Incomprehensible political cartoon

 

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.