Foodies rejoice: Artisanal meth comes to Chattanooga

in Food/Drink
Artisanal crystal meth
Artisanal crystal meth

Without a doubt, eating well has become a more prominent cultural pursuit for people of all ages over the last decade, with a rapidly growing movement of so-called “foodies” eager to share new gastronomical discoveries using online social networks and blogs, and Chattanooga has done its best to keep up with more populous urban locales, boasting purveyors of world-class artisanal cheese, bread, chocolate and other foodstuffs.

Hand-crafted libations such as whiskey, beer and wine have also found a home in Chattanooga and surrounding areas, and those willing to skirt the law have enjoyed locally made flavored moonshine and similar spirits.

Now, local foodies have another reason to rejoice with the arrival of artisanal crystal meth, for discriminating connoisseurs of intoxicants who are no longer satisfied with mass-produced Mexican meth or hastily made motel-room or backwoods trailer ice.

The founder of Chattanooga Crank, Kelsey Idovah, explained to The Chattanooga Bystander that meticulous care goes into every step of the cooking process, with exacting standards.

“We use only the finest raw ingredients that are locally sourced, whenever possible,” said Idovah. “Instead of meth cooked in some filthy roach-motel bathtub with loads of impurities, imagine some crystal-clear sparkle that was produced in a Beverly Hills mansion swimming pool.”

While crystal meth may be injected, true connoisseurs choose to smoke or snort their twack, and Chattanooga Crank offers a variety of inventive flavors.

“This one is dense and lithe, with notes of cedar and boysenberry,” said Idovah while stroking his chin, after taking a long hit. “Mmm. I also taste pomegranate, mineral and just a hint of Bartlett pear.”

“I love the floral notes on this one,” said Idovah, after tweaking another variety of Chattanooga Crank. “There’s a balsamic-tinged acidity and accents of dried cherry, with a snappy finish. Magnificent.”

“There’s no need to chase that white dragon down to Atlanta or Nashville,” said Idovah, who was now shaking uncontrollably. “We’ve got top-quality artisanal meth for you, right here in Chattanooga.”

Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.