Chattanooga to world: “You know what? F-ck birds”

in Politics
Just some goddamn bird (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:
Just some goddamn bird (Used under the CC-BY-2.0 license. Source:

The collective metropolitan Chattanooga populace articulated its complete disdain for all avian life in a written press release, addressed to the world yesterday.

“You know what? F-ck birds,” began the press release. “You are not welcome here, stinking up the place, crapping all over everything, squawking and strutting around like you own the place. Who crowned you cock of the walk?”

“F-ck urban chickens, f-ck Canadian geese, y’all can go screw yourselves,” continued the press release.

In recent news, the Chattanooga City Council upheld a ban on chickens within city limits, and 100 Canada geese that were removed from Chattanooga State Community College were euthanized by the U.S. Department of Agriculture’s Wildlife Services program.

“The Tennessee Wildlife Resources Agency is seeking public input regarding when the opening day of the upcoming waterfowl hunting season should be,” said the press release. “You know what we told them? Waterfowl hunting should be allowed every goddamn day.”

“Remember when a few months ago, someone shot some bald eagles around here?” said the press release. “Back then, we all thought, ‘Geez, what an asshole.’ Now, we think that sumbitch had the right idea.”

“We are trying to bring the competitive eating Wing Bowl event to town,” said the press release. “We want that famous skinny Japanese competitive eater to come here and unleash a motherf-cking chicken-wing holocaust here in Chattanooga, Tennessee.”

“Two arms good, two wings bad,” concluded the press release.


Francis Porkloin is a reporter for today, for you, for me, for us, for our children, for our children's children, and for our children's children's grandparents - which is us, again. Francis Porkloin is devoted to giving a voice to all people, including those who do not have mouths or have had them wired shut and can only make incomprehensible "Mmmrph! Mmmrph!" sounds. Francis Porkloin is committed to delivering the unbiased truth and telling the stories that others have no interest in telling - and that the public has no interest in hearing. Francis Porkloin is a Sagittarius.