After receiving news of a pair bald eagles being shot in the Tennessee Valley, local National Rifle Association members have called for the armament of our national bird.
The Bald and Golden Eagle Protection Act, which protects the bald eagle against harm with a maximum of a $250,000 fine or 2 years jail time against the perpetrator, is not enough, according to local NRA chapter president Kelly Stevens.
“We believe that all of Gods creatures, whether human, dog, rattlesnake, woman, or bird, should not have their God given second amendment rights taken away from them,” said Stevens. “The bald eagle, an icon of our American freedoms, must have the chance to fight back against those who try to terminate it. It’s like taking justice into its own hands, or talons.”
Uncovered NRA plans show the bald eagle outfitted with two riffles. Critics pan the idea as an emotional and irrational reaction to an isolated incident.
“Uh, I’m not really sure how their plan it going to work out,” explained Chattanooga bald eagle expert Rick Harris. “I’d say the only plausible option would be to strap machine guns with laser sights to the eagle, which could be controlled by someone from below.”
“Machine guns with lasers that can be controlled from the ground? That sounds so American bad-assed!” Exclaimed Stevens.