May 2013

Red Bank Officials Elect to Resurrect Controversial Traffic Cameras, in Stunning High Definition


In a move that critics are calling “a frivolous waste of the tax payers money”, Red Bank government officials have announced plans to bring back the uber-controversial traffic cameras, but this time in beautiful high definition. “We believe a majority of the complaints stemmed from the low resolution images the previous cameras produced,” said Red

Sandy the Flower Man wins USA Cycling Championship


In a stunning victory, defeating dozens of seasoned, professional cyclists, local celebrity Sandy the Flower Man won the USA Cycling Professional Time Trial Championship, held for the first time in Chattanooga over the weekend after starting in Philadelphia in 1985 and being held for the last seven years in Greenville, S.C. Sandy the Flower Man,

Rep. Scott DesJarlais pre-pays fines for future sex with patients


Rep. Scott DesJarlais (R-Tenn.), who represents Tennessee’s 4th congressional district and also practices medicine in Jasper, Tenn., was fined $500 Thursday by the Tennessee Board of Medical Examiners for “unprofessional conduct,” citing sexual relationships he had with two of his patients in the year 2000. Critics have deemed the fine to be a slap on

Just Busted magazine offers new dating service

Just Busted is a Red Bank, Tenn.-based weekly publication that features mugshots taken from police department arrest records, with several editions covering various regions across the nation, and the magazine’s publishers announced at a press conference yesterday that they have expanded their operations, now offering a dating service to allow readers with romantic intentions to

Manny Rico makes amends with Chris Anderson after hot night of dancing at Alan Golds


Former Chattanooga City Councilman Manny Rico sounded like a sore loser after his contender, the openly gay candidate Chris Anderson, defeated Rico for the District 7 City Council seat in the election earlier this year. Rico stated, “Maybe we want a gay councilman. That’s what he ran on. That’s what disappoints me the most. It

Little Debbie commemorates 175th anniversary of Cherokee removal with “Trail Mix of Tears”


Known as part of the “Trail of Tears,” the forced removal of Cherokee people from the Southeast to the Indian Territory west of the Mississippi River began in May 1838, with this year marking its 175th anniversary. While this was a regrettable episode in American history which resulted in an estimated 4,000 deaths of Cherokee

Chattanooga Police considers adopting UFC rules


At a press conference yesterday afternoon, Chattanooga Police Chief Wilfred Leistershire announced that the department is strongly considering adopting rules of the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, as guidelines for officers when apprehending criminals. The police has endured criticism over the last few years with accusations of police brutality, with one prominent case involving suspect

Tennessee Agrees to Trade Tennessee River Access for Cast of Small Town Security.


After months of deliberation and litigation, Georgia lawmakers have reached an agreement with Tennessee officials for access to parts of the Tennessee River, in exchange for the cast of the AMC reality series “Small Town Security”. Earlier this year, Georgia lawmakers passed a resolution to claim back what they believe is rightfully the states, land

Chattanooga Bigfoot arrested on charges of supplying alcohol to Signal Mountain Teenagers

In what some may call the meshing of two recent headlines, Chattanooga’s own Bigfoot was arrested on charges of supplying alcohol to 18 Signal Mountain teenagers over the weekend. Police responded to a disturbance call of a “large drunken hairy bastard” groaning and hiding behind a tree. Neighbors spotted the creature just as police were