MAGA teen asshole arrives in Chattanooga to smirk at Riverfront Trail of Tears monument

in Uncategorized

After making a spectacle of himself last Friday during the Washington D.C. Indigenous Peoples March, the unnamed teenage “Make America Great Again” hat wearing shit head was spotted this weekend staring down Chattanooga’s monument to the Trail of Tears. Sources say that once the little sack of shit is named,…

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Chattanooga Moxy to rebrand after learning no one has had sex there

in Business

Just months after opening as the new hip “hook up” hotel in downtown Chattanooga, managers of the Moxy were disappointed to learn that zero acts of sexual intercourse have taken place within its 108 rooms or public restrooms. Sources say renovations have begun to replace large pictures of millennials drinking…

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West Village sculptures revealed to be cruel Banksy prank

in Culture
Outdoor sculpture in Chattanooga's West Village

After much speculation, it was revealed today that the atrocious sculptures located on the sidewalks of Chattanooga’s West Village were a cruel prank by Banksy, the anonymous British street artist. “Why must you punish us with this terrible, terrible art?” said resident Cris Tillzay while shaking a fist at a…

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TDOT advising everyone to just stay home during I-75/24 split construction

in Business

This week during a press conference discussing the plans of the upcoming I-75 and I-24 split construction, a representative for the Tennessee Department of Transportation announced that motorists should probably just stay home during the project. The construction, which will begin this summer, will bring devastation to the area that…

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Public Library down to 30 books after watching “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo”

in Education
Five of the remaining 30 books at the Chattanooga Public Library

After the staff of the Chattanooga Public Library watched the new Netflix series “Tidying Up with Marie Kondo” about decluttering, a decision was swiftly made to reduce the library’s collection down to a mere 30 books. “You won’t believe how liberating this feels,” said library director Ashley Collfrab. “We held…

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Giant Tivoli screen to display Mayor Berke’s teeth 24/7

in Culture
Mayor Berke's teeth on the Tivoli Theater screen

The Tivoli Theater Foundation announced that the new, giant 50-foot drop-down screen and state-of-the-art 4K digital projector installed in the Tivoli Theater would display Mayor Berke’s teeth 24 hours a day, seven days a week, except during scheduled events. “We have the technology, so let’s use it as much as…

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Warm weather encourages kids to play Fortnite outside

in Sports/Rec

On the last weekend before the end of winter break, Chattanooga children were encouraged by the unusually warm, 65-degree weather to go outside and play the video game Fortnite. “Things were much different, back when I was a kid,” said Chattanooga resident Charlie Randiston, a father of two. “After school,…

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John Wise begins rebuilding all properties after last weeks devastating earthquakes

in Business

Just one week after devastating earthquakes rocked the Tennessee Valley area, local developer John Wise announced rebuilding has begun after every one of his buildings was destroyed. Sources say the actual dollar value of buildings destroyed will total into the hundreds and possibly even thousand. Experts were stunned after literally…

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Trump vows to only use Presidential Alerts about Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club

in Sports/Rec/Trumpanooga '18

During his speech in Chattanooga Today, President Donald J Trump announced he will only use the new controversial Presidential Alert system to make announcements about the new Chattanooga Red Wolves Soccer Club. “You know that I know that Red Wolves Soccer is the best Soccer in Chattanooga”, explained Trump. “Believe…

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