Bloomberg announces Monopoly Man as VP running mate

At a rally today at the Bessie Smith Cultural Center in Chattanooga, Democratic billionaire presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg announced that he has selected the Monopoly Man as his running mate. “This was a tough decision to make,” said Bloomberg, the former mayor of New York City who is the ninth richest person in the U.S.A.

Monday forecast: sunny 70 degrees, then snow, floods, blood rain, plagues of locusts, frogs, chicken parts

Forecasters are predicting Monday’s weather in Chattanooga to include sunny, 70-degree weather, then a snowstorm, then flash flooding, then a torrent of blood rain, then plagues of locusts, frogs and chicken parts. “Don’t stow away your galoshes just yet! It’s been a wild week, and it’s just going to get wilder,” said local weather forecaster

Repurposing Hershey’s syrup bottle as water bottle best thing a Republican has done in years

Using a repurposed Hershey’s chocolate syrup bottle as a water bottle by Tennessee State Representative Kent Calfee has been widely recognized as the best thing a Republican has done in years. “This is a grade A life-hack, my friends,” said local environmentalist Summer Starlight. “We should all be inspired to repurpose things that would otherwise

Women’s Rally seeks men to manage next year’s event after low turnout

After the Chattanooga Women’s Rally on Saturday experienced a low turnout of around 80 people, controversially changing its direction from a protest march to a non-activist event including a conservative speaker, organizers announced that it would be seeking men to manage next year’s event. “Sometimes you just need a big, strong, smart man to open

Nikki’s Drive Inn property developer promises to deep-fry new condos

After public outrage of Chattanooga’s beloved comfort food staple Nikki’s Drive Inn announced it was closing its doors to make way for new condominiums, developers announced the new structure would be deep-fried to please the angry public. Experts are questioning how such a task can be completed, but agree that most area residents do not

All TDOT interstate signs showing a penis after sign guy leaves his computer unattended

After an employee of the Tennessee Department of Transportation left his computer unattended to step outside and a vape while devouring a White Claw, commuters were shocked to see every overhead digital sign was now a single sizable penis. Sources say the culprit might have been a malicious computer hacker looking to disrupt the day

Heartwarming: Hwy 27 workers pass down skills to kids, grandkids so they can complete Hwy 27 project

Like a father teaching his son how to shave, construction workers on the delayed Highway 27 project have started teaching their children and grandchildren the skills they will need to complete the project. Although the work was scheduled to have a January 28, 2020 completion date, that deadline will not be met, and an extension

Tennessee American Water manages to drain Tennessee River during IRONMAN

During the swimming portion of the IRONMAN triathlon this morning, Tennessee American Water managed to drain the Tennessee River somehow as participants were reaching mile 1 of the 2.4-mile course. Sources believe the company was able to break yet another water main and miraculously pump river water and all its contaminants into customers homes. “One

David Blaine to return to Chattanooga to drink glass of unboiled tap water

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After performing last year at Chattanooga’s Tivoli Theatre, street magician and death-defying endurance artist David Blaine said that he would be making a surprise return to Chattanooga this weekend to perform one of the riskiest stunts of his career: to drink an entire glass of tap water that has not been boiled, despite Tennessee American

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