Trump arrives in Chattanooga for Southside Social’s new dress code unveiling

in Business/Politics

After months of these darn kids causing a ruckus, Chattanooga’s Southside Social announced a new dress code that will be unveiled by none other than President Donald J Trump. The arrival comes after a representative from the establishment vowed to “Make Southside Social Great Again!”. Experts believe some new requirements…

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Andy Berke releases Larry Grohn’s grandson’s Algebra homework

in Politics

After a week of grueling debates between candidates for the 2017 Chattanooga Mayorship, Andy Berke has announced he has uncovered opponent Councilman Larry Grohn’s grandson’s Algebra homework. The revelation comes just days after Grohn released some bullshit he thought was worthwhile against Berke. Experts believe Councilman Larry Grohn secretly helped his grandson…

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Eddie Pontiac turns down inauguration musical invite

in Business/Politics

Local musician and Mexican restaurant staple Eddie Pontiac announced he had declined an invitation to play at Friday’s inauguration for President Elect Donald Trump. Pontiac, who many call the man with the golden voice, has entertained Mexican restaurant patrons for over 20 years. Experts believe Pontiac opted to decline the invitation to perform due to…

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Trump cites Harrison Keely morning videos as only credible news source

in Politics

After weeks of railing against so-called “fake news” sources, President-elect Donald Trump announced he only trusts from morning anchor Harrison Keely. The announcement comes as a surprise as Keely has apparently not reported morning news in many months. Trump shocked the nation when he called CNN a fake news organization…

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TEMA bans Wind and Fire from upcoming Earth, Wind & Fire concert

in Culture/Health

The Tennessee Emergency Management Agency (TEMA) announced that it has banned Wind and Fire from the upcoming Earth, Wind & Fire concert scheduled for March 15, 2017 at Chattanooga’s Memorial Auditorium. “We can’t take any chances,” said TEMA representative Kelly Conpuro. “Wind and fire is a deadly combination, as we…

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City of Chattanooga to close every downtown business, all to reopen as Hotel or Escape Game

in Business

According to City of Chattanooga spokesman Larry McDowell, plans have been put in place to temporarily close down every downtown business and reopen them as large scale hotels or escape games. The announcement comes after numerous new escape skill games have opened in the area and the development of about…

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