UTC buys Chattanooga Bystander for the fourth anniversary and immediately fires staff

in Business/Education/Politics

For the fourth anniversary of Chattanooga Bystander, the University of Tennessee at Chattanooga announced it has bought the publication to add to its collection of hard-hitting journalism it can tamper with. Little did they know, Bystander writers Dirk Savage and Francis Porkloin would soon be jobless. Chattanooga Bystander, which was…

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Paul Barys spotted in undisclosed bar doing shots in preparation for tonight’s storm

in Business/Culture

In preparation for the severe storms heading into the area, local weatherman Paul Barys has been spotted downing shots of bourbon and other alcoholic beverages for the long night ahead. “Let’s forecast this shit, Barys beard style,” exclaimed Meteorologist Paul Barys, while vomiting into a WRCB hat.    

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Trump arrives in Chattanooga for Southside Social’s new dress code unveiling

in Business/Politics

After months of these darn kids causing a ruckus, Chattanooga’s Southside Social announced a new dress code that will be unveiled by none other than President Donald J Trump. The arrival comes after a representative from the establishment vowed to “Make Southside Social Great Again!”. Experts believe some new requirements…

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Andy Berke releases Larry Grohn’s grandson’s Algebra homework

in Politics

After a week of grueling debates between candidates for the 2017 Chattanooga Mayorship, Andy Berke has announced he has uncovered opponent Councilman Larry Grohn’s grandson’s Algebra homework. The revelation comes just days after Grohn released some bullshit he thought was worthwhile against Berke. Experts believe Councilman Larry Grohn secretly helped his grandson…

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