Eddie Pontiac turns down inauguration musical invite

in Business/Politics

Local musician and Mexican restaurant staple Eddie Pontiac announced he had declined an invitation to play at Friday’s inauguration for President Elect Donald Trump. Pontiac, who many call the man with the golden voice, has entertained Mexican restaurant patrons for over 20 years. Experts believe Pontiac opted to decline the invitation to perform due to…

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Trump cites Harrison Keely morning videos as only credible news source

in Politics

After weeks of railing against so-called “fake news” sources, President-elect Donald Trump announced he only trusts from morning anchor Harrison Keely. The announcement comes as a surprise as Keely has apparently not reported morning news in many months. Trump shocked the nation when he called CNN a fake news organization…

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TEMA bans Wind and Fire from upcoming Earth, Wind & Fire concert

in Culture/Health

The Tennessee Emergency Management Agency (TEMA) announced that it has banned Wind and Fire from the upcoming Earth, Wind & Fire concert scheduled for March 15, 2017 at Chattanooga’s Memorial Auditorium. “We can’t take any chances,” said TEMA representative Kelly Conpuro. “Wind and fire is a deadly combination, as we…

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City of Chattanooga to close every downtown business, all to reopen as Hotel or Escape Game

in Business

According to City of Chattanooga spokesman Larry McDowell, plans have been put in place to temporarily close down every downtown business and reopen them as large scale hotels or escape games. The announcement comes after numerous new escape skill games have opened in the area and the development of about…

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Local Democrats asked to extinguish wildfires with tears

in Politics

After the shocking victory of Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton in the U.S. Presidential election, Democratic Party leaders have asked local Democrats to help extinguish the raging wildfires with their plentiful teardrops. “I literally can’t stop crying,” said the weeping Chattanooga resident Kris Ferugina while waiting to board a helicopter…

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Smoke from Chuck Fleischmann burning Melody Shekari signs fills Chattanooga area skies

in Politics

After months of rigorous campaigning for the U.S. Representative of Tennessee’s 3rd congressional district seat, incumbent Chuck Fleischmann took out his frustrations of opponent Melody Shekari by gathering up her signs and lighting them ablaze. Little did he know that his act of rage would turn into an out of control…

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Chattanooga haunted houses show horror of city without gigabit internet

in Business

In response to what some one-time visitors of Chattanooga believe would be a shithole wasteland of horrors and less gentrification, area haunted houses brought those fears to life this Halloween. One local favorite Rock City opened their attraction called “DSL hell”, in which gnomes were unable to launch their startups…

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